I migrated north 28 years ago from Cape Town instead of south like most sensible people have done in Africa for 500 years.
Bidding farewell to my charming HR comfort zone that I succumbed to in Cape Town was not easy, but my sister Denise had just been diagnosed with a tennis ball sized brain tumour. Life threatening emergency surgery was on the cards and I suspected that my life was about to change permanently. Leaving the safety of my Capetonian lifestyle that incorporated a white picket fence and grey corporate comfort appeared mad to my friends. I was in an office on the docks with talkative seals and enjoyed access to research that anybody in HR would dream about. I was in a stable relationship for 5 years with a good looking twink, but some cracks were soon to reveal themselves like they normally do when maintaining a temporary long-distance relationship. My temporary move soon proved permanent after Denise miraculously survived but required a long time to recover fully.
I joined her company as a financial consultant on a commission only basis and settled in Johannesburg’s buzzing gay scene. Unsurprisingly, I soon settled into another relationship and founded the first gay business association in Africa named the Family Business. Our 100 members decided that they wanted a gay introduction club more than life itself. I approached Mandate but they were unwilling to join us. Consequently, we created our own gay intro club named Boyz which rapidly grew seeing that we did not charge gay business network owners or their friends. It was an incredible experience to learn so much from people who were willing to trust me and share such deep emotional insights with hundreds of people for many years. There was no such thing as TMI and I got used to being a supportive shoulder and keeping secrets that I never desired. It was crystal clear that most people need to love someone and be loved by someone. Ultimately, most of us are romantics at heart and quietly dream forever about love in suburbia with our soulmate. Usually though lust, fear of rejection, money and ego blocks us from our quest for shared meaningfulness. Almost everybody who had joined simply wanted to experience old fashioned romance over candlelit dinners. As the facilitator though the emotional pressure to succeed was far more intense than anticipated. My workload was immense as I had to arrange cabaret shows, do media interviews, whilst competing with financial competitors, and assist friends and colleagues in their quest for love. This all happened against the backdrop of a Gay Pages that was establishing a name for top quality journalistic standards and global printing credibility.
Nevertheless, I was having some success at matchmaking and soon learned that sexually active people mostly dwelt in three arenas romantically, namely hunters, scavengers or cocoonists.
Initially we tend to practice our love skills where most of us start off as hunters where we simply target our goal, then to identify ourselves as hunters wishing to establish some kind of a bond with our *ahem* willing ‘victim’. Anybody who have tried this digitally versus face to face knows there is a massive difference between keyboard hunting and electrifying eye contact in a public space. This behavioural pattern is extremely addictive and the older you are when you leap out the closet the more likely you will find yourself stuck in hunting mode. This adrenaline fuelled erotic romance is kept alive with the chemicals, dopamine, oxytocin and serotonin released during a kiss.
Depending on the mutual sense of urgency hunters tend to move fast if their goals align in these mercurial liaisons, but boredom typically enters the stage soon. Fast fading memories serves little purpose in learning to escape this repetitive loop fuelled by adrenaline, emotional baggage and insecurities. Most men over 25 starts comprehending the complexity of bonding where, so little is said but expected intuitively. The burn rate of these liaisons is extremely high and enforces an increasing sense of loneliness for a large number of gay men who comprehend the complexity of adrenalin fuelled bonding. Many men unwittingly become observers at some point and form a middle group of scavengers that may see supportive opportunity when hunters fail to emotionally develop their male bonding which unravels so easily when only based on conquest. Fragile egos, sometimes prevent the time and energy to comprehend conditional complexities as the focus may have shifted to the next high paced liaison
Adrenaline fuelled hunting becomes addictive until the hunter starts failing or starts becoming aware of being profiled. However, in many cases it simply continues as most of the players are hooked on the power and sex appeal game, so the complex mating rituals continues with higher stakes.
Many gay men feel uncomfortable with such an intense hunting playground that mirrors war games so would rather opt for stability in a relationship. However, the hotter the guys the more likely we are likely to find scavengers surrounding them that will patiently await the first signs of physical or emotional weakness. Often these scavengers will be friends or ex boyfriends who quietly leaps at new opportunities. Don’t be so shocked, as this game is also played by straights with more euphemistic wording.
People tend to be romantics at heart so the fantasy about the white picket fence is incredibly strong and the natural urge to get married or involved has also increased radically in gay society.
Most gay men have starred in all three roles, but hunters and scavengers are doomed to loneliness, if they have never even attempted to embrace the white picket fence role that would have raised their romantic possibilities and staying power significantly. By remaining committed hunters, they lose their romantic appeal, whilst medically they increase their risk of disease.
My advice to anybody searching for love is to stop overestimating the staying power of sizzling sex appeal. It is an illusion and even the most blind narcissists involved have no power in maintaining this illusion. That is why we have so many bitter and angry beautiful people on the planet. Your heart and your soul outlast your looks that fades in your twenties. Anybody who bitterly clings onto this superficiality will remain angry and lonely. We incarnated for a reason and that reason is to embrace meaningfulness.
Hunters can become cocoonists, but cocoonists seldom become hunters again and scavengers tend to get hurt more than those they desire as such opportunism is doomed to fail once it attracts scrutiny. Few of us have not played and possibly perfected all three roles, but without emotional maturity and some unconditional love, we will remain lonely for life.
We need to value our relationships on all levels not just sexual, as the pain of not doing so always manifests almost irreversibly.
The only thing that is absolutely for sure is that physical attraction fades and blooming lifelong relationships our greatest challenge to find and to nurture.
Depth of character is all that matters. Focus on that.
