An accredited psychotherapist has explored what he considers to be some of the benefits of sex clubs for gay men. Silva Neves’ insight comes after speaking to many gay men about their experiences of such venues. He’s written down some thoughts for Psychology Today.
By David Hudson
Neves notes that discussion around the virtues of sex clubs is often frowned upon. Revealing that you visit bathhouses or cruise clubs can sometimes be met by moral judgements. This includes from other gay men.
However, Neves says that for some men they offer benefits beyond simply getting one’s rocks off. Many of his clients have expressed “increased well-being” after such visits.
Neves, who is based in London, broke down the reasons why into several categories.
Firstly, he said the venues act as a counterbalance to “minority stress”. That’s the stress many minority groups experience from being treated differently or discriminated against.
Sex venues offer a “space where gay men feel they can just be themselves, without editing themselves to make others comfortable, and without any fear of discrimination,” Neves says. “They can also engage with others as much or as little as they wish.”
Secondly, they offer a space where you can avoid feeling shame about your desires.
“Some gay men experience it as a form of existential freedom, where they connect in the here-and-now with their mind-body connection in feeling alive and connecting with other sex-positive gay men in that space, enhancing a sense of legitimacy and belonging.”
Less body shaming than mainstream gay bars
Thirdly, he suggests that mainstream gay bars and clubs promote high standards of beauty and status. By contrast, sex venues are often more egalitarian, and there’s less body shaming.
He believes that in gay sex venues “most people tend to be accepting of each other, and it can be a welcoming, safe place for all gay men to feel ‘good enough’ regardless of their body shape, age, p*nis size, status, or kink.”
That doesn’t mean everyone wants to have sex with each other. However, rejection is usually more respectful than in a bar.
Neves says some men don’t always go expecting sex – they just want to hang out with other men and enjoy a “sense of belonging”.
“It could be just having a drink at the bar naked, chatting to another naked man. For many gay men, these are the only spaces where they don’t feel societal oppression.”
He goes on to say that for some men, it’s also a reaction against the notion that “love” only exists within a romantic relationship.
“In queer spaces, love goes beyond that. Love can mean loving multiple people at once. Love can occur through a brief sexual encounter in a sex club as part of loving themselves, their communities, and sexualities. For some gay men, expansive love is being in touch with their queer spirituality.”
“Gay sex clubs are not the sordid, sleazy, dark places for sad old gay men that some people assume them to be. They can be spaces where sex is celebrated, not shamed.”
https://www.queerty.com/a-therapist-explains-the-benefits-for-gay-men-of-visiting-clubs-20260706/
