A man is asking for help on how to deal with his partner’s apparent midlife crisis.
By Alex Reimer
On Reddit, a poster outlined his sticky situation. He told his fellow “gay bros over 30” that his 43-year-old partner of eight years has dramatically altered his behavior in recent months.
He says the biggest difference is an emphasis on physical fitness–“almost obsessively”–and an insatiable appetite for protein and weight-gain supplements. On the looks front, his partner has gotten new tattoos and piercings–the bodily equivalent of buying a new convertible or a flat screen TV.
But the changes haven’t just been aesthetic: his partner now schedules threesomes at their house with guys under 30 on a weekly basis.
“I’ve talked to him about all of this, and he says he’s afraid that in a few years nobody will want him anymore, so he wants to make the most of his mid-40s while he still feels desirable,” he says.
The poster adds that he misses their once “ordinary life.”
Many commenters fixated on that phrase, and asked what “ordinary” is supposed to mean…
Communication, communication
Most long-term couples say that communication is a major key in making their relationships work. Oftentimes, that involves talking about sex.
Gay couples are far likelier to be open than their straight counterparts. For the arrangements to work, there has to be open dialogue.
“Total transparency and communication,” said a man who’s been in a triad for 25 years. “‘I’m going out to have sex with Bob on Thursday at 8pm at his house.’”
While some couples more employ more of a “don’t ask, don’t tell” policy, it has to be mutual. This past summer, one shocked husband reported that he came home to find his partner in bed with three other guys–a violation of their arrangement.
Multiple times, the Redditor dealing with “Mr. Midlife” cited his newfound addiction to 20-something partners and the apps. “What I miss though, is him not being constantly on dating apps looking for boys for us,” he said.
Commenters implored the man to articulate his feelings to his partner.
“Can you articulate to him what you miss and what you want to have?” somebody added.
“What’s your actual issue?” another person wrote. “What’s the ‘ordinary life’ that you’re missing?”
Rolling with the changes
While the definition of a “midlife crisis” is in debate, there’s no doubt that people change as they age. When people grow older, sometimes they begin to think more about their health, wellness and mortality.
The poster’s partner appears to at least be weighing his sexual mortality. Gay men are socialized to believe that their sex life will end as they age. “I talked to my therapist about it, and she said it sounds like a midlife crisis and that I should let him go through it,” he added.
Of course, gay men who have gone through the midlife transition sometimes report their sex lives are actually better than ever. A couple of months ago, a 40-year-old expressed guilt over all of the twinks he was bringing home–and asked the internet for help.
If the man’s partner is truly only getting tattoos and nabbing some younger thirds, people said it doesn’t sound so bad.
“Sounds pretty mild as far as a midlife crisis goes,” somebody added. “Tattoos, piercings, working out and threesomes seem fairly easy to handle.”
The “soda rule”
Regardless of changes or supposed midlife crises, there is one nonnegotiable trait: kindness.
A gay couple that’s been together for 53 years revealed their secret in a now-viral video. Call it, the “soda rule.”
“Care more about the other person than you care about yourself,” said one of them. “When you get up to get a soda, you have to ask the other person, ‘Would you like a soda?’ Without even thinking.”
