Going vegan, treating yourself well & ditching toxic family

By Alex Reimer

Earlier this spring, we asked Queerty readers how they’ve changed over the years. And the answers were so inspiring–“no more closeted Republicans” — we decided to dig even deeper.

As the weather warms up and flowers bloom, we’re not just curious about any change you’ve made. We want to know about the most important.

A new book by out NYT best-seller Benoit Denizen-Lewis challenges preconceived notions about change. He comes to the conclusion that change is “less about willpower than we imagine, more shaped by other people than we admit, and far more mysterious than the self-improvement industry can afford to sit with.”

According to Queerty readers, change is also multi-layered. Some say a change in diet is the most consequential switch they’ve made, while others cite a shift in perspective. Regardless, everyone who answered says they’ve changed for the better. And we believe them!

Here’s what they had to say…

What’s the most important change you’ve ever made and why?

“Being open to moving from being married to a woman to now being in a five-year live-in relationship with a man who is my partner.” — David in Atlanta, Georgia

David went forward with one of the biggest changes imaginable: separating from his wife and dating a man. Even today, numbers show that people older than 49 are far less likely to identify as LGBTQ+ than people who are younger. That’s not to say anything about David’s age! But it does indicate that a large number of adults middle-aged and older are living closeted lives. We congratulate David on following his heart.

“After a really bad breakup, I started focusing more on myself and what makes ME happy. My whole life was bending over backwards for family, friends and partners who didn’t care about me. Yet, I cared tremendously for them. When I was at my low, no one was there for me, so I started focusing on me and what makes me happy: going on that trip I’ve put off, going to that concert, going to that museum, seeing that show, etc. Focus on YOU and what makes YOU happy, and stop giving time and energy to people who leech that energy and vibe and only want you for something. Cut off fake people!” — Reynoso in Staten Island

While David allowed himself to love a man, Reynoso permitted himself to turn his love inward. Oftentimes, the lowest points in our life lead to the most profound changes. As a wise yoga instructor once told me, moving forward is inevitable. How we move forward is what makes the difference. It seems like Reynoso picked himself up with self-love. That’s what we love to see.

“Focus on things that make me happy and cut off negative and fake people from my life.” — Justin in New York, New York

Along similar lines, Justin learned to stop expending his effort where it wasn’t appreciated. That’s easier said than done: we love the dopamine rush of pleasing the unappeasable. But it’s a draining game indeed.

“I stopped being a drunk in 2015. I was sick and tired of being sick and tired.” — Walt in Houston, Texas

Quitting drinking can be especially hard, especially since so much of gay social life revolves around it. But at one point, it seems like Walt threw up his hands and decided enough was enough. We applaud him for listening to his needs. It often feels like society pushes people to ignore them.

“Choosing to estrange myself from my family, mother and father included. I am a 50 year-old Mexican man, married to my partner with an eight-year-old son. I come from a very religious family of Bible thumpers. Instead of enduring the stress and toxicity of their homophobia, I removed myself from my family and have been so much happier since. Their loss!!” — Michael in NYC

Speaking of tough decisions, Michael left behind his biological family in favor of his chosen one. And thanks to same-sex marriage laws, his chose family is protected, too. You sound like a warm and loving man, Michael. It’s absolutely your family’s loss!

“I realized that most straight people are not our friends. Straight ideals don’t align with mine, and never will. Straight people are conditioned to see the world around them as one for them and nobody else. It’s their default setting. I will always question the actions of a straight person. I used to believe that all people are equal, but now I believe that gay people are not. We are special and unique!” — Doug in Santa Fe, New Mexico

Doug is right: straights and gays just see things differently. We see a world full of adventure and fun, and they see… $5 nachos? Board shorts at the beach? Really ugly graphic tees? Don’t know, don’t care. We suffer from superiority. Our success is the product of our collective trauma, which the straights caused, anyway!

“Going vegan. It’s compassionate and healthy, and easily the best change I’ve made, even if it didn’t initially feel that way. But after 15 years, almost unbelievably (and yes I had to look this up) 5,000 animal deaths were avoided, 6 million gallons of water saved and 110,000 pounds of CO2 emissions were avoided from me initially making a change intended to lower my cholesterol.”  — Tom in New York

That’s awesome, Tom. There’s no doubt that high meat consumption is detrimental to our planet, as well as our health.

“Not caring so much both what people think, or what you think they think, about you. This wasn’t an overnight thing, more a gradual change as I got older. Seriously, nobody cares if you are married, single, or whatever. Or about your job, clothes, etc. Your life is your own. Just live it, and stop worrying about whether others are judging you. They probably aren’t and, even if they are, who cares?” — Adam in Melbourne, Australia

Oh yes, the spotlight effect. A psychological phenomenon, it propels people to believe they are being noticed more than they really are. The truth is, most people are too self-involved to notice what others are doing. Isn’t that a comforting thought?

“The older I get, the more I broaden my horizon in terms of dating, and lower my expectations. It feels like everyone wants their partner to look a certain way, but don’t realize that that’s why they’re single all these years. Lower thy expectations and be open to dating people who aren’t your ‘type.’ You never know.” — Richard in New York, New York

We get Richard’s point. Apps and social media have made the dating feel alienating and optimized. People scroll the grid in perpetual search of the “perfect partner,” only to miss actual people in the process. With gays in a state of uproar over the dating scene, we say it’s time to log off and be open minded. There’s nothing left to lose (the apps already have our identities, likes, dislikes, traits, spending habits and credit card info <3).

“I’ve lived most of my life in France, and the most important change I’ve done is to move to U.S. to follow my husband and marry him and live with him until now happily ever after. I left the wonderful city of Paris, rented my condo, left my friends and my Parisian way of life. I miss going out to places like Rosa Bonheur Buttes, Vendredix XXL parties and the positive gay sexual life of Europe, along with their bathhouses!  But if asked to do it again, I would, because living with the love of my life and sharing time with him is worth every single second.” — Ramon in France

We’re not sure about those venues and parties, but we know about European bath house culture! To give that up, Ramon must really be in love. And we haven’t even talked about the wine and food downgrade–which is arguably even more important than sex.

“At 39 years old, I left my home, my family and my friends, and moved 3,000 miles away to San Francisco because I fell in love with a man I met three months earlier. I always say I moved here for love, and even though the relationship didn’t last, my love affair with San Francisco continues. Plus, I’m still best friends with my ex and his husband!” — Rob in San Francisco

Thank you for sharing, Rob. What a nice and uplifting story. Also, if you’re interested, it sounds like you have a potential sitcom in the works. We’re happy to write the pilot!

“When I stopped getting involved with closeted married Republicans. Obviously this was necessary, but what I didn’t expect was, it spilled over into the rest of my brain and I finally felt the incentive to set boundaries. It’s all about cause and effect!” — Roger in Palm Springs, California

For those wondering, we saved the most important advice for last. NO closeted Republicans! Just like staying out past midnight, it never leads to any good.

Alex Reimer is an Assistant Editor at Queerty who writes about sports and fitness, politics and irreverent gay things. In a previous life, he was a talk radio loudmouth in Boston. He currently lives in Chicago.

Source: https://www.queerty.com/going-vegan-treating-yourself-well-ditching-toxic-family-gays-share-the-most-important-changes-theyve-ever-made-20260517/